Sometimes it just feels hopeless. I just want to give up. Sometimes it is beyond unbearable. I wish I hadn't known that land and this cursed sense of belonging and not belonging at the same time.
They used to call it the "land of red tulips", does anyone even remember that name? Even my friends call it the "land of Taliban", then they smile and shake their heads with sympathy: "How are things back home? Getting any better?" The answer is always: "No". But I don't say it, I tell them about one good thing that happened last month, I repeat it, try to convince them that it will finally work out. Try to convince myself.
Sometimes I dream of the gardens and laughter. I wake up and everything smells like fresh grass, I feel peace. I think I will go back and won't worry, just run, laugh, be. There will be sun, light and happiness.
Since I was born, it has never been in peace. Has it ever been in peace, even before that? I grew up, escaped, cried, worried, and worried again. I have been worrying every day of my life.
I want it back, I want my land back, I want my religion back, I want everything back. Why can't I have it? I want peace.
You try to calm me, you give me reasons, you remind me other places, you are wise, you are grown, you are my friend and although you have never been there, you love Afghanistan for me. You tell me: Come on Shahry! we are strong women. You are a strong woman, Deb, but maybe I am not. Maybe I was just pretending. I don't care anymore, I don't want to wait, I don't want to think about why it happened and keeps happening? I don't want to work, build, escape..I don't... I know it is childish, I know it doesn't help, but I am angry, I am so angry dear.
I know, I know that I can't do anything for now. I know it is just pain.... but how does that help, Deb? How does anything help?
I have told you about it right? About the beautiful mountains, beautiful people, a dry, stubborn land.. You know of my love, my irrational belonging, my longing, my pain... My inability burns me Deb, my inability to do anything meaningful, anything that helps..
One day, anger will eat me up. I will want to live, happy and free in a peaceful country.. But maybe that day will never come for me... It hurts me but I wish the day of peace finally comes, and it wouldn't matter if I am not there anymore to celebrate...
Pray for me, and pray for my land, my friend.. I have faith in prayers, sometimes..
Sorry dear, I complained a lot, I didn't intend to.. I won't show these notes to you.. But you know, you are helpful, I already feel better... And it is easier to be selfish in English... It is easier to complain..
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i can give you a tip for evading that familiar sense of rootlessness:
just turn off the news and don't give a damn shit to what is happening to our shity country.
it's not always good to be a patriot.
don't give up, just keep going on and live in the moment.
you know i'm not a grandpa, i only understand that feeling of being an afghan in a western country
salam Shaharzad,
firstly, I agree with "nashenas". but I know it seems impossible for you to do that.
we all know we cannot change the world, it can be a go slogan, but it is not the reality. we just pretend. honestly, we should confess that we are not enough able to change that country, too.
in addition, i can give the right to others to have an irrational sense against us and our country. I know why my German friend told me "you can sell some drugs " then, he smiled.... I smiled at him too. how can I prove it that we are a little bit differed with them, we are not Karzai's brothers who smuggle drugs.... how can i tell them that we are too weak to stand on our feet, we lost our history, our culture, ... and actually, we don't know what's wrong and what's right?
I am sure they cannot understand how someone feels empty!
Ok, I don't have any kind of suggestions for you... ha ha ha... I just want to share words of Rainer Maria Rilke:
"I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue".
have a nice time, friend...
Dear Nashenas and Asif,
thank you both for understanding, advice and comforting words.. it is true that I am not alone and we are a group of people dealing with these issues, not only Afghans but our friends from other developing, in-conflict nations.. I think of Palestinians and their anger.. I will try to live in the moment and I will try to be patient..
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