Move on

This computer does not have any fonts but English and you can't even install one..

For the past two hours, I have been thinking about "what did my arms do before they held you?" It is from Plath.. That dear woman with the tragic life.. Or was it tragic?

I do not know who will I say that sentence to, who will I address it to, if I ever do? Maybe to my child, because I will probably spend many days holding her, calming her... Maybe not.. It leads to silly thoughts. It makes me feel lonely and disconnected. Disconnected from any form of real life.

I need to do some shopping. I NEED to, otherwise I would not. Food, suitcase and.. the essentials. I am a bit anxious, hope I won't run out of money. I hate this "money" anxiety.. It has always been there, always.. I can't imagine my life without it..

Really want to have some cheese cake. I wonder if I could get it from the Tuck Shop close by. I have this illusion that it will make me warm and happy. I won't go to get it, not now anyways, it is freezing outside and I will not walk out unless I have to. It is freezing, rainy and wet and it is dark... Darkness all around.

Afghanistan is all over the news again and people are asking me questions. Questions that I do not know how to respond to. Questions that confuse me, embarrass me and give me pain. Questions that I wish I did not have to respond. I wonder what will happen next? I wonder if it will ever be stable. I wonder if soon we will also be another forgotten part of the world, with never-ending wars and problems.. I don't want it to happen, for selfish reasons.. but it might and that scares me. That thought creeps up to my dreams and wakes me up at night, frightened, cold, insecure... I feel like we are buying time but not doing anything to use it efficiently. And I feel useless for not being able to do anything. And confused because so much is at the stake, so much that there are no easy answers.. I feel that anything that happens after this, will hurt some people.. and you have to face it..

We have classes and lectures and I am learning.. but I feel whatever I am learning is really detached from the real world and its problems. I feel stuck in this beautiful city, in this beautiful, magical city..

There are always reasons to be grateful and to rejoice.. The most basic one for me is that I can not give up in despair, I should not. That I need to keep this as happy, smooth and inspiring as possible. Right? Right... And there is no time to ponder upon what Plath said, just read it, repeat it in your mind if you have to and move on..

Move on..